Tis the season for telling baby birthing stories…
Sit yourself down, grab a mince pie…actually lets start again… Get your ass to the kitchen, make some mince pies, now sit down with a pie and glass o’ port as we begin…
It was a cold, dark night when the virgin (ha!) Linda pissed on a stick.
The plastic, urine soaked rod glowed a heavenly blue as it told her “you’re going to have a baby”.
“Dave! Dave! I have been told that in 9 months we are to have a baby!”
“So November? I knew I gave you a proper good one on Valentines” proclaimed an ecstatic David.
So, later that year, Dave and Linda made the 10 minute journey across Widnes, riding on a Ford Capri.
They arrived at Highfield Hospice where the midwife told Linda she would soon be with child.
“He will be called the Baby Michael!” Announced Linda. “Michael, after some hot guy from a TV show as I’ve realised naming him Marc after Marc Bowlan may not auger well.”
But, the joyous night did not last long…
After many uncomfortable hours a midwife approached Linda to tell her “There is no room in the vagina!”.
A new light appeared in the night sky. It was the flashing of an ambulance which had come to carry Linda and the partially crowned Baby Mykie to a manager in Whiston Hospital.
Doctors bearing gifts of gas, forceps and air paid their respects to the half-born Baby and delivered him into his mothers arms via C-section.
“All hail the new Baby Michael!”
“I know he is a special baby” said Linda. “He has a pointy head and is a bit yellow!”
“That’s because he got stuck in your lady tunnel and is half Chinese” barked the slightly racist nurse.
After treatment for jaundice, Linda and David took their cone-headed prince home to Widnes.
After that delightful tale you may have gone off your pies…but if you still want a gobble, here’s our recipe for sweet short crust pastry as a variation on our previous pies.
Sweet Shortcrust Pastry
- 225g plain flour
- 60g butter, softened
- 40g vegetable fat (trex)
- 25g caster sugar
- pinch o’ salt
- 1 egg, beaten
- tsp vanilla extract
- splash of milk if needed
- Rub fats into flour
- Stir through salt and sugar
- Cut through egg, ancillary and milk (if needed) with a butter knife until mixture comes together
- Press into a smooth ball, flatten and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes
This pastry is so easy to work with and rolls nice and thinly. It has a beautiful crunch yet melts in the mouth…perfection!