Category Archives: Cookies

Biscuits and bears…

So, we have been less with the baking and more with the making…

The boys have got a little caked out so baking has been cut back to bare minimum…or “bear” minimum…(yeah, that was terrible…go ahead, leave this website, don’t come back.)

do not eat

 

SO, the bear thing…we’ve been NEEDLE FELTING!!! You sort of jab un-spun wool with a needle until it turns into stuff…or you jab the bejesus out of your finger…hurts like a bitch but you’d think it was a hot coffee enema from the way we were screaming. 

We needed snacks for the stichin’ ‘n’ bitchin’…making stuff really works up an appetite (ok, no it doesn’t, we are just greedy)

Black Sesame and Hot Ginger Honey Cookies

tip: put ugly biscuits on a gorgeous plate

  • 130g Plain Flour
  • 20g skimmed milk powder
  • 40g Black sesame seeds
  • 80g Budder
  • 80g Caster Sugar
  • 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Salt
  • 1 tsp Ground ginger
  • 1/4 tsp Cayenne pepper
  • 2 tbsp Honey
  1. rub together the dry stuff until crumby
  2. stir through the honey then bring together into a dough ball
  3. roll out and cut out
  4. bake 160ºC for 15-20 mins

These were yummy, the cayenne really fires up the ginger and the smoky sesame brings it nicely together like a sweet buddery oral bonfire!

it's like some weird cookie maypole dance

 

They got strangely super hard over night so these are probably “scoff the batch” cookies which is not the biggest upset in the history of the world.

12 down 4 to go

 

Now back to the making stuff…we have been making Micro-Bears!

 

Macrocephaly: makes things cuter

Cuteness!

a lot cuter than the bloody stumps that are our fingers...needle felting is an extreme sport

 

We want to see just how small we can get them!

a penny for scale...do you know how long it took to fit a decent looking penny?

 

Anyways, hopefully more baking soon…if truth be told we are actually in a giant baking mope as GBBO hasn’t got back to us…Mary Berry, you are now dead to us, DEAD!

Bakers without Borders: Maple Marzipan Cookies

So last week we went over to The Vanilla Duck Bakery for dinner…

Mr Richard was hot smoking some pork belly and chicken on his home-made smoking contraption (OMG the most delicious meat EVER! Have you ever wanted to stick your face in a big hunk of meat and rub it all around? Us neither, until last week).  As the smoking thing can take anywhere from four to TWELVE hours(but worth every minute) we had a few hours to spare.  We decided to have a little bake in the Vanilla Duck’s kitchen!

Baking somewhere different with whatever you can find is such a fun challenge; like the shopping bag from Ready, Steady, Cook…or the lesser known Stump the Cook segment from The Splendid Table (go listen! Lynne Rossetto Kasper is soooo adorable, I want to hug her…lots).

Here’s what we came up with…

Maple Marzipan Cookies

  • 150g Plain Flour
  • 80g Butter
  • 80g Caster Sugar
  • 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Salt
  • 1 tsp Cinnamon
  • 2 tbsp Maple Syrup
  • Marzipan (of unknown quantity(oops))
  1. pre-heat the oven to 165ºC (or get whoever’s oven to do it for you!)
  2. rub butter into dry ingredients
  3. stir in maple syrup
  4. shape into a disk, wrap in cling and whack in the fridge for 20 mins
  5. whilst you wait, roll marzipan into Malteser size balls (you’ll need about 12 so factor this in if you are going to gobble any/many)
  6. TOP TIP: roll dough thickly (about 1cm) and cut out circles.  Though they are spreading cookies, you get a much more even spread and shape if you start from a uniform shape.
  7. get little Jack Horner and stick your thumb in each cookie to make a little nest for the marzipan balls…then stick a ball in (obv!)
  8. bake for about 13 mins

    trying to think "cookie" but our brains are screaming "eggs" and "breasts"

We didn’t leave enough room for spreadage so there was a bit of inappropriate touching going on (bad cookies, no means no).  Apart from that they were nummy! Lovely maple flavour coming through and that sticky, chewy cookie goodness that makes it super difficult not to wolf them all down (especially when you’re real hungry and can smell meat smoking).

Vanilla Duck took the pics...love that Ducky!

The wonderful thing we learned from our baking excursion is how much fun it is to bake with someone else!  The Vanilla Duck is awesome to hang out with and has so many good baking ideas!  I think there will be more collaborations in the future!

Milk and Chocolate Biscuits: Delicious all year round (we are very lazy)

Hey Kids!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!  We hope you got some nice things from Santa (who must have been terribly uncomfortable this year as the weather was so clement…Red fur trousers in the heat must amount to a substantial amount of crotch sweat);

The bakery is now the proud owner of a Baby Gaggia Espresso Machine so no excuses for us not getting our lazy arses in gear and posting in a reasonable amount of time.  So, yeah, we are only just posting our Christmas biscuits due to the jolly, joy, joy of drinking, eating, socialising, eating, snacking, munching, sleeping, watching Goonies…but it’s not like we get paid for this or anything so deal with our dallying.

on Dasher, on Dancer, on Hob-Nob and Linzer!

What were we saying? *distracted by a Lindor Reindeer* Oh, Christmas biscuits…sooooo, our main gripe about the Christmas biscuit, and don’t get us wrong, we love traditions and cracking out the old standards each year, but come on folks, a little imagination…we like sugar but we’re only an iced vanilla biscuit away from the diabetes.

So we went for something a little different…and they were awesome!

the forest of num numsFrom this angle I guess these are girl reindeer

We thought we’d play with different textures and flavours in the same cookies but try and keep each separate and distinct.  What we came up with was a vanilla shortbread type bikkie containing milk crumbs (oh, milk crumbs BTW=delicious!!! More than delicious, they are a eat-the-batch-and-have-to-make-more-then-eat-half-of-that-batch-and-make-yet-another level of delicious) topped with a layer of really deep, dark chocolate sort of shortcrust pastry type biscuit.  You get the soft buttery, milky bottom layer with the crunch and cocoa intensity from the top…marvellous!

check out the layerage

We made Christmas trees rolling the base to 6mm and topping with 2mm thickness of the chocolate layer; this gave a great balance of the two.  The milk layer was a soothing back massage, the chocolate, a cheeky slap on the ass.

We dusted in gold and added a little squiggle of green for some tree-y-ness ( and because as much as we love chocolate, food the colour of post-Guinness bowel movements doesn’t get us reaching for the biscuit tin).

you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.

What to do with the pile of doughs left over?! (apart from eat them raw, don’t judge, raw cookie dough is a food group of it’s own); we squished then into a single marble dough and made reindeers!

almost too cute to eat...

 

the herd has been thinned...

a delicious ecosystem

So here’s to a great 2012 and another year of baking experiments!

Chocolate Spiderweb Cookies

So Halloween is approaching…

Perfect time to start spookifying our baking! Mwah ha ha ha!

spooky yet ordered

TBH…not really trying too hard with the scary as these are brown and pink…not a classic Halloween colour combo…but fuck it…we’re sooooo over black and orange already…

Also, what are Halloween spiderwebs about? More “How clean is your house?” than “Nightmare on Elm St”…really quite rando, no? just me then? 

spiderwebs around the fireplace...must fire the cleaner

These are double-baked cookies.  When we make biscuits you should really have a taste and texture in mind.  What we wanted from these is a nutty taste without being a pile of nuts glued together with some cookie dough (people really do over-use stuff in cookies, just ‘cos the bag has 100g of whatever, doesn’t mean the recipe needs 100g.  hold back and snack of the rest of the bag whilst the cookies bake (you know we are talking chocolate chips here).). *wow that is some gratuitous punctuation!*  What was I ranting about? Right, cookies…we wanted a taste of nut but with a nice crisp snap and crunch from the biscuit…no softies today.

Chocolate Hazelnut Cookies

Halloween in earth tones...tastefully spooky

  • 90g butter
  • 100g golden caster sugar
  • 180g plain flour
  • 1 egg
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 20g cocoa powder
  • 50g chopped hazel nuts
  • 100g dark chocolate (we used a 72% cocoa solid bar)
  • royal icing for spooky wooky icing
  1. beat butter and sugar until light
  2. beat in egg and vanilla
  3. fold in everything else (except the chocolate and royal icing…that would be stupid, don’t be stupid)
  4. wrap in cling and put in the fridge for an hour
  5. roll and cut out
  6. bake at 160ºC for 12 mins
  7. take out and leave to cool

    appropriate quantity of nuttage

  8. bake again at 150ºC for another 12 mins
  9. take out and leave to cool
  10. melt the dark chocolate (don’t waff about with a pan of water, just blast it in the microwave until about 2/3rds melted then stir until all melted)
  11. pipe an outline

    apparently Simon couldn't wait for the finished article...anarchist

  12. fill in with chocolate goodness
  13. leave to cool in fridge
  14. put piping bag in mouth and squeeze out excess chocolate
  15. lick lips
  16. pipe spiderwebs with the royal icing
  17. eat

I discovered when making these that…I had a terrible nut allergy (not really…I’m totally laughing at my own tasteless joke); what I actually discovered is that I don’t have a CLUE what a spiderweb looks like!!! I had this picture in my brain but it turns out that was a mislabelled picture of a snowflake…

webs are hard

I decided to make a nice collage of pieces of spiderweb, oh and the square biscuit?…why do spiderwebs need to be on a round thing; who decided on that rule? I learned about spiderwebs and drew a few on paper before piping…no doubt shoving out something of greater importance from my tiny, tiny brain…goodbye family birthdays.

I'm no Peter Parker

As these are such nice crisp biscuits they are perfect for dunking; the chocolate melts and it’s just a mess of delicious…DELICIOUS!

Finlay-Jack Underlord of the Overworld

Right, I’m heading back to the sofa with the rest of the bikkies and a nice warming mug of gin. 😉

The Wondercat School: Brush Embroidery Tutorial

OK, class…settle down, backs straight…it’s learning time.

Welcome to Brush Embroidery for dumb-asses

I’m your teacher Ms. Finlay, bad boys and girls will end up in the naughty box…

the best children are battery farmed

Right then children, time to learn brush embroidery…

figure 1: brush embroidery

First things first, create a canvas on which to work.  I have made some almond biscuits filled with marzipan and blackcurrant compote and covered with lemon royal icing.  You can do the same or use a cake perhaps?  Maybe a piece of cling film over a plate?  T.B.H. I don’t really care what you use I just need to keep you occupied until playtime…

a canvas as blank as your inbred little minds

 

Take some royal icing in a piping bag.  I used a number 2 piping tip, you can use the same or just snip off the end of the bag if your mean mummy and daddy couldn’t be bothered to provide you with the correct equipment…I’ll be having words with them at parents evening, if I can get your perverted father to keep his eyes off my tits.

Pipe a zig-zag curved line for each petal.  Think of a circle and pipe the petals to follow the edge; you don’t know what a circle is?  Have you paid no attention to anything I’ve said this year?  You cretinous little monster…don’t even start with the crying!

figure 2: notice the curve

Now, take a wet brush and drag from the middle of the line to the middle of the imaginary circle.  The aim is to smudge only half the line so you leave a raised edge.  Wipe and dampen your brush for each petal.  What do you mean all this water has made you pee yourself?!  I’m paid to teach not wipe up your messes…you can sit there stinking of piss until your mum picks you up.

figure 3: notice the untouched edge of the line

I’ve told you what to do now, just keep doing it until the bell rings and I can be rid of you all.

par exemple

Take a look at some of mine and try not to kill yourselves whilst I sneak out the fire exit for a fag.

presentation is always important, it appears your parents don't agree judging by how you all arrive in the morning

 

see how the marzipan has absorbed the compote...let's try and make your squishy marzipan brains soak up my delightful teachings

There will be a test on this in the morning unless a teacher accidentally backs her car over you on her way home…whoops! my bad!

The demonic possession of Granny Chadong: a cautionary tale

Why you should never always NEVER add mini-marshmallows to cookies…

the light? that'll be the glow of hell fire

So this was going to be a Granny Chadong biscuit post as I was making a batch for Si for work this week…but, I found a big bag of mini-marshmallows…they wouldn’t hurt, would they?

The power of Christ compels me...to eat you.

I knew marshmallows do funky things in biscuits, like go crazy melty and burn to a crisp; so, I whacked the bag in the freezer to tame the little buggers (BTW, frozen marshmallows=D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S!).  Granny C’s recipe also calls for a double bake which I thought I’d have to skip for the same reason.

Well, they came out the oven like the off-spring of Satan.  I had taken a treasured recipe, incubated it in the fiery womb of hell, creating a grotesque biscuit abomination.

the napkin was intended to match the mashmallows :$

The pink and white pillows of marshmallow had transformed to caramel boils, bubbling and oozing from the innocently oaty biscuits.  What had I done!  I was about to call a priest for an exorcism, but, then something wonderful happened…I tasted one…

then another…

then another…

UNHOLY DEMON! don't worry, I ate him.

Sweet Baby Jesus! Well, screw the Baby Jee!  I’m moving over to the dark side!  The repulsive puddles of molten mallow had hardened to a firm yet supple caramel webbing!  They had added a chewy fudginess to the already delicious biscuit that was positively irresistible!

the web of the damned

Usually I can take or leave a cookie; I’ll snap one in half and it’d last me all day…these bastardised biscuits of Beelzebub had taken me mind, body and soul…and cradled in their warm, sweet bosom, I feasted.

who knew the fire of hell had delightful Victorian tile work?

Demonic Chadongs

  • 120g butter
  • 200g light brown sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 80g SR Flour
  • 20g rice flour
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 150g sultanas soaked overnight in liquor (we use port or sherry but go nuts, totally your call)
  • 150g rolled oats
  • 1 tsp mixed spice
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 100g mini marshmallows
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  1. whisk butter and sugar until light
  2. whisk in egg
  3. stir in everything else
  4. spoon into balls on a baking tray leaving spreading room
  5. bake 170ºC for 15-20 minutes or however long it takes for the Hell Mouth to open
  6. revel in orgasmic damnation

Beelzebub's biscuity bosom...with raisin nipples


It is too late for me, I am too far gone, there is no redemption.  Please, save yourselves!  Unless you want to be eternally and deliciously damned…DO NOT ADD MINI MARSHMALLOWS TO BAKED GOODS!

Paisley Feather Cookies

Just a bit of piping play with some leftover cookie dough…I think there is potential for a full batch…maybe not the two-tone one, seriously, how horribly decorated is that one!?

my entry in the edible renewable energy competition

my first entry was less successful

adaptable for space power...I would ease off licking the radioactive icing though

carefully calculated icing grooves improve the aerodynamics...not just randomly squiggled with a piping bag, honest.

the dots are microchips...mmmm chips.

I have no idea what the photo captions are all about, but things powered by delicious? *starts drafting Nobel acceptance speech*

Memoirs of a Gay-sha! Another tenuous pride baking connection!

We had a freezer full of cookie dough and a hankering for some sweet, sweet goodness…may as well have another attempt at a Pride themed bake!

Sayuri's a little concerned someone will notice her "plum has already been bitten"...

So, remember the Will and Grace episode where Ousian-the bashful geisha was smashed?? L.O.V.E.D. Blythe Danner in that episode! So in honour of Ouisan, I thought I’d make some “Bashful Geishas”!

I was soon off on a tangent (I entered my bad “memoirs of a geisha” place) and spent the evening prancing around pretending to be Hatsumomo being a total bitch or Sayuri waiting on the bridge for the Chairman *sighs and craves shaved ice*.

When I took a break from the crazy Japanese role-play I realised I didn’t have a geisha cookie cutter (not reeeeeeally a big surprise)!  What to do? *light bulb* We got creative with a circle and a four-point star (what was that you say? genius? oh you! I wouldn’t say geeeenius…but if that’s the word you want to use who am I to stop you?).

So onwards with the show…

BRING OUT MY GIRLS!!!!!!

Memoirs of a Gay-sha (I totally robbed that from JuJubee from Drag Race Season 2) staring…

Gives great face (and head)

The bitch we all love to love.

Big heart, big face.

The bashful geisha.

So the story begins.  Hatsumomo lays down the law:

To be fair, I wouldn't want a little cretin playing with my shit.

Not content with being a frosty cow, Hatsumomo gets the claws out:

Where do you even get Canisten Combi in pre-war Japan?

Sayuri has a heart to heart with Pumpkin who is far,far too into Americanising herself:

I'm like totally the Kim Kardashian of this tea house.

Meanwhile in New York City: Ouisan senses impending doom:

Whoa! That Grace lady looks like she wants to do me in!

 Like a typical porn film the plot is rather thin and ends in a big group number:

Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean, on the cover of a magazine...

FIN

Wondercat has grown very attached to the girls so if anyone munches on them we will be pouring bleach on something they love.

Today’s the day the teddy bears have their big gay picnic!

We were planning to bake something for pride but really, rainbows…

always gross and tacky and making up 7 colours of icing…no thanks.

So what tenuous gay links could we make with the available cookie cutters in my box of baking tricks?!

We could have gone for butt nekkid gingerbread men…we could have turned a tennis racket into some manly parts?  But we decided to leave the distasteful themes and go for…the cuddliest (and hairiest) of gays…BEARS!!!!!!

So here is my collection of lovable, snugable little gay bear cubs!

 

a suspicious lack of sandwiches? These are low-carb bears.

Miranda Hart-enough said.

as close to a rainbow as we were prepared to get...

A group of gays posing for a black an white shot...Original.

Now you are just showing off...and making the gay jokes far, far too easy.

Enough to bring out the furry in anyone! ;P