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The Mykivity

Tis the season for telling baby birthing stories…

Jurassic Jesus

Jurassic Jesus

Sit yourself down, grab a mince pie…actually lets start again… Get your ass to the kitchen, make some mince pies, now sit down with a pie and glass o’ port as we begin…

sprinkle with cocoa and icing sugar before baking and top with a gold dusted fondant leaf...delightful!

Sprinkle with cocoa and icing sugar before baking and top with a gold dusted fondant leaf…delightful!

  It was a cold, dark night when the virgin (ha!) Linda pissed on a stick.

The plastic, urine soaked rod glowed a heavenly blue as it told her “you’re going to have a baby”.

“Dave! Dave! I have been told that in 9 months we are to have a baby!”

“So November? I knew I gave you a proper good one on Valentines” proclaimed an ecstatic David.

So, later that year, Dave and Linda made the 10 minute journey across Widnes, riding on a Ford Capri.

They arrived at Highfield Hospice where the midwife told Linda she would soon be with child.

“He will be called the Baby Michael!” Announced Linda. “Michael, after some hot guy from a TV show as I’ve realised naming him Marc after Marc Bowlan may not auger well.”

But, the joyous night did not last long…

After many uncomfortable hours a midwife approached Linda to tell her “There is no room in the vagina!”.

A new light appeared in the night sky. It was the flashing of an ambulance which had come to carry Linda and the partially crowned Baby Mykie to a manager in Whiston Hospital.

Doctors bearing gifts of gas, forceps and air paid their respects to the half-born Baby and delivered him into his mothers arms via C-section.

“All hail the new Baby Michael!”

“I know he is a special baby” said Linda. “He has a pointy head and is a bit yellow!”

“That’s because he got stuck in your lady tunnel and is half Chinese” barked the slightly racist nurse.

After treatment for jaundice, Linda and David took their cone-headed prince home to Widnes.

After that delightful tale you may have gone off your pies…but if you still want a gobble, here’s our recipe for sweet short crust pastry as a variation on our previous pies.

Sweet Shortcrust Pastry

  • 225g plain flour
  • 60g butter, softened
  • 40g vegetable fat (trex)
  • 25g caster sugar
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • tsp vanilla extract
  • splash of milk if needed
  1. Rub fats into flour
  2. Stir through salt and sugar
  3. Cut through egg, ancillary and milk (if needed) with a butter knife until mixture comes together
  4. Press into a smooth ball, flatten and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes

This pastry is so easy to work with and rolls nice and thinly.  It has a beautiful crunch yet melts in the mouth…perfection!

This pastry is really easy to work with, it rolls crazy thin and melts in the mouth...num!

We will refrain from making comments about being rammed full of meat.

Have a very merry Christmas!!! Love Wondercat!

Logo christmas

photo 1

Pissedmas Quake

Hello hello hello…

So, like Reese’s Pieces, Turduckens and erm…Captain Planet…good shit can come from smooshing stuff together…and who doesn’t love a portmanteau???

Here at Wondercat we have been learning to quill with paper…could we combine quilling and caking??? Do we dare?

We done dared did!

So here’s this years cake, unveiled at the annual Chadong Christmas Champagne Soiree…

The cake was basically based on Delia’s cake ratios but with tropical fruits and coconut…I won’t be adding coconut again as it make the cake crumbly like Cheshire cheese.

image image (8) image (6) image (5) image (4) image (3) image (1) image (2)

The white quilling we were very happy with…the black, not so much.  The black petal paste was a bit dry so didn’t roll as nice or smoothly.

But still, quilling + cake = QUAKE! To be eaten with a spork.

Oh and why we are going down this cabbit  hole…

a few of my favourites…

Tranma

Crapkin

Brony

Minja

Woon

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!!

image (7)

Wondercat Christmas: Mo Farah Mince Pies

Hello! It’s totally Christmas time!

Here at Wondercat we’ve been fabulizing the tree and decking the halls…the season has us in its tinselly grasp!
This weekend called for a bit of festive munchables, but, to be honest, we were more about the eating than the baking…time to whip up some lightening fast mincemeat and turn it into pies…so bloody scrumptious they’ll make you throw your arms wide and pull the “Farah face”!

Yes Mo, they're that good.

Yes Mo, they’re that good.

Mo Farah Mince Pies

Pretty shot huh? We were simultaneously holding the plate in front of the tree and photographing...life behind the curtain ain't so glamorous!

Pretty shot huh? We were simultaneously holding the plate in front of the tree and photographing…life behind the curtain ain’t so glamorous!

Mincemeat

equal weights of:

  • Dried fruits of various kinds-Plump raisins? A sour cherry perhaps? Christmas craisins? How about some candied peel? Throw caution to the wind, live on the edge, do it for Baby Jesus!
  • Cooking apples-peeled and chopped into little bits…not the cores, dumbass!

quarter weight of:

  • Brown sugar
  • Ginger beer
  • Butter
  • Almonds, toasted and chopped
  • 2 tsp mixed spice
  • 2 tsp ground cinnamon
  • Brandy, or some other delightful booze
  • Lemon zest
  • Orange zest

So, the equation for mincemeat is as follows (food algebra, brain food):
(4x(fruit+apple)+x(sugar+beer+butter+almonds)+spice+zest+booze)-bakers scoffing privileges

Just call me (P)Einstein! *We know, we know, total cracker joke right? Speaking of cracker jokes we heard THE BEST today…ready for this??! “How does King Wenceslas’ like his pizza?” We’ll pop the answer at the bottom of the post…worth every second of scrolling, we promise you!*

Back to the mince meat…

  • Just throw everything in a big ol’ pan (except the brandy and nuts) and boil away until the apples have turned mushy.
  • Let it cool for a while then stir in the almonds and as much booze as you can without making it a big sloppy mess…we got a good few glugs in let me tell you! *we had also been drinking the booze so were dancing around in just our pants singing Nicky Minaj…sometimes life calls for a semi-nekkid Minaj moment*.
  • Throw it into sterilised jars or as we did, a big lock ‘n’ lock tub and store it in the fridge.

Pastry

  • 200g plain flour
  • 100g butter-cut into cubes
  • couple of tbsp of lemon juice
  • pinch o’ salt
  • tsp vanilla extract
  • Rub butter into flour and salt until breadcrumby
  • Cut in lemon juice and vanilla extract with a butter knife until it starts to come together…and a bit of water if needed but not too much…if it’s a big wet mess then you have fooked it up.
  • Bring it together into a ball, squish it flat, wrap in cling-film and whack in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. *We used this time to go at the mincemeat with a spoon*
IMG_0402

Roll out pastry to 2mm…get a Joseph and Joseph adjustable rolling pin http://www.josephjoseph.com/kitchen-tools/adjustable-rolling-pin as they are AWESOME! Cut out little frilly circles just a little bigger than the pie holes *pie hole *sniggers**

Use some sort of blunt poking device...a little rolling pin, a spatula handle, a dildo... to push the circles down.

Use some sort of blunt poking device…a little rolling pin, a spatula handle, a dildo… to push the circles down.

Mince them up!

Mince them up!

Cut stars the size of the pie holes out of the pastry scraps...DON'T RE-ROLL...it'll taste like shit!

Cut stars the size of the pie holes out of the pastry scraps…DON’T RE-ROLL…it’ll taste like shit!

Plop on a star...oh and I know I totally need a manicure so pipe down Judgey McJudgerson!

Plop on a star…oh and I know I totally need a manicure so pipe down Judgey McJudgerson!

  • Bake at 175C for 20 minutes until the mincemeat is bubbling and the oven stink o’ Christmas.
  • Sprinkle with icing sugar then enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

These pies are tiny, hardly a pie at all. They are actually closer to mini tarts but who has a mince tart? It would be like renaming the iPad mini the iPhone big. Any who, they are a perfect little morsel for a mouthful of Christmas cheer; like Mo Farah and gold medals you can have them all! *Mo probably didn’t eat his gold medals with a glass of wine watching Strictly…but maybe he did? Who knows?*
That’s right kids, go on! Eat all the pies…then bake more and eat them too!

It’s Christmas time!!!!

The moody ambience of a fragrance ad..."Smell like dessert, drive the chubby kids wild...Pie the new fragrance from Wondercat."

The moody ambience of a fragrance ad…”Smell like dessert, drive the chubby kids wild…Pie the new fragrance from Wondercat.”

Oh yeah, the joke…”Deep pan, crisp and even!” We laughed until snot shot from our nose…It doesn’t take much to tickle a Wondercat.

The “Miss Ayesha”

Hey kids!  So you may (or may not) have noticed we’ve been a bit posting-lite of recent…

Well the thing is, we have a job, and a life and grown-up stuff and erm…Skyrim, so Wondercat has been demoted to “when we have some time spare”.  Soooooo, having the week before Easter off work and a new kitchen on the verge of completion means it’s time to crack open the self-raising and turn the Kitchenaid up to 5!

cock-a-doo-de-licious

It was our dear friend, the fabulous Miss Ayesha’s birthday so what better way for the new kitchen to lose it’s cake-ginity? (It beats drunk on a Saturday night with a dodgy batch of cupcakes…oh, we went to our bitter place of regret again)

Miss A requested a chocolate and cinnamon flavoured cake…she also mentioned a colour scheme but we sort of disregarded that and free-styled…we wanted to make something like the lady herself; striking, glamorous, exquisite and sophisticated.

Behold the “Miss Ayesha”!

a pretty bird for a...

We can’t take all the design credit as it is based on a design we found on Google University…but I think ours is prettier!

a close up of my cock

The cake was a chocolate, cinnamon sponge with a touch of ginger and nutmeg…it was nice and moist due to our new Wondercat sponge recipe (the secret ingredient: Dairy Milk Philly!)!  It was split in to three layers and filled with Fortnum & Mason marmalade, a chocolate ganache (75% cocoa) then glazed with a maraschino and cinnamon syrup before coating with vanilla flavoured fondant.

We used white fondant which was painted on top in gold mixed with a bit of yellow (it did dry the icing a little making it crack a bit…something to work on), the sides were painted in red mixed with fuchsia lustre and the piping work was a dark brown royal icing using size 1, 1.5 and 2 piping tips.

still pretty upside down!

Hopefully we’ll get a chance for some Easter baking (we are itching to make some hot Atheist “A” buns) and manage to post about them…but Alduin ain’t going to kill himself.

Laters!

Cats in boxes and chocolatey superposition…

Well that is as near (or far) from any sort of physics we’ll be getting…

This weekend was all about different types of chocolate cakey things with pistachio ice cream…ok, only two things…and we bought the pistachio ice cream  *hangs head*

Chocolate Fondants

Simon asked for these for dessert on Saturday…and we all know the best way into a man’s pants is through his stomach…

fondant for a fondle

  • 40g unsalted butter
  • 40g dark chocolate
  • 20g caster sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 egg yolk
  • 30g plain flour
  • 2 tsp cocoa powder
  • dash o’ vanilla extract
  1. melt the butter and chocolate together
  2. whisk the egg and yolk, sugr and vanilla until light and moussey
  3. fold the brown goo into the creamy goo
  4. fold in the flour and cocoa
  5. pour into greased and cocoa dusted moulds…or just use silicone ones
  6. bake at 200ºC until set outside but liquid inside…it’s best to under bake and let them cool a little to strengthen the outside…we are talking about 8 minutes 
The thing about cooking fondants is to get a gooey middle; but, they need to be set enough to survive un-moulding without exploding like the last Graboid in Tremors.

still gooey...just

This is especially difficult if you’ve baked them in a muffin tin so you have six of the little bitches to turn out at once.

jiggly little whores

Chococo Crepes

Sunday brunch…oh yeah!

crepes...no real way of making them look pretty

  • 50g plain flour
  • 15g cocoa powder
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 1 egg
  • tsp caster sugar
  • 20g melted budder
  • 100ml whole milk
  • 50ml coconut milk
  • dash o’ vanilla extract
  1. sift the dry stuff
  2. whisk in the wet stuff until nice and smooth
  3. leave to rest for 30 minutes
  4. oil a pan and get flippin’!

This amount makes about five crepes which is enough for one serving (maybe…probably not).

We dolloped (gross word) with pistachio ice cream and sprinkled with crushed peanuts…then drizzled with sweetened coconut milk…yummers!

drizzled coconut milk looks a lot like erm...some other nut milk

So that was the weekend, very similar ingredients, very different outcomes!

Oh yeah, and a cat in a box…

this is my box, I am king of the whole box

cardboard-robot-cat

Wondercat Detectives: The case of the vanishing sugar

Over the weekend we baked a cake, a hazelnut and honey cake topped with spun sugar…or did we?

So, D & D were coming over for dinner and Wondercat was in charge of dessert.  We had a few ideas in mind, after fingering through a few of the new books than Santa brought us, he Maple and Pecan Cake from the Hummingbird Bakery “Cake Days” caught our eye; As we’ve been wanting to investigate their sponge recipe (it includes less budder more milk) for a while it seamed as good a time as any…(oh yeah, we say “budder” now…sounds tastier)

Hazelnut Honey Cake

we do enjoy a sticky nut

So we used the Hummingbird sponge recipe with a nut change, a maple/honey switcharoo and a splash of vanilla extract

  • 120g soft budder (mmm…budder)
  • 400g caster sugar (yes, this seamed a lot to us too)
  • 360g plain flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 360ml whole milk
  • 40ml honey
  • 3 large eggs
  • 100g chopped hazelnuts
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract (the good shit)
  1. mix budder, sugar, flour, bp and salt until crumby
  2. separately mix milk, honey, vanilla and eggs
  3. stir the two bowls of stuff together
  4. stir through the nutty nut nuts
  5. the book splits the batter into three 8 inch layers at 170ºC for 20-25 minutes…we whacked everything into a deep 8 inch tin and baked at 160ºC for just over an hour (until our cake probulator reached 210ºf (for some reason we always cook in Celsius but set the probe in Fahrenheit, dunno why, it’s a mystery (well not really))) *Wondercat: master of bracket craft* (but we don’t know what these ones [] or {} are all about)

So cake done, time to throw the book down and free style!

We filled the cake with a loose textured budder-cream *giggles* made with this stuff in place of budder (so is it really a budder-cream after all? *still giggling…no one else probably is*), icing sugar and a bit of whipped double cream to lighten.  We don’t have measurements, we just winged it until it tasted and felt right…there was a lot of tasting.

We covered the cake in a honey cream Chantilly which was pretty much just whipped double cream sweetened with honey and a little icing sugar to stabilise.

a cake with stuff on the inside and different stuff on the outside

Right, the basic cake scaffolding was in place, time for a bit of decoration! Some smashed up hazelnuts to cover the top, a flurry of piped cream around the edges and to finish, a nest of spun sugar (with a touch of honey) encasing caramelised hazelnuts…

like angel hair...if angels had sticky grossness on their heads...and were real

The sugar work was easy enough; we made a ridiculous amount of mess in the kitchen and managed to get a few sugar splinters (whoever thought an injury could be sooooo delicious?) and burns, and hot caramel in our ear????!?!?!!! We put the cake in the fridge as we went about the rest of our day (which is code for “play Skyrim”).  A few hours before dinner we realised a few blog pics should be taken…”That’s funny? I’m sure the sugar work was taller and more impressive before?”.  Snappy snap snap, pics taken, but we were puzzled by the shrinking sugar.  Just before dinner we checked again…IT WAS ALL GONE! GONE!  There was no sign of it! Not even a sticky puddle of remains (oh God! We’ve gone to our bad “The Snowman” place again).

see! all gone! and not even a hat, scarf and nose tangerine left behind

It’s not really a mystery, We bet you all know what actually happened to the sugar in the slightly moist fridge atmosphere… That’s right, it was aliens.  Aliens came down from the sky, got in the kitchen window whilst we were playing Skyrim and stole all our sugar…how fucking rude.

Alien abducted sugar aside, the cake was quite nice.  The sponge was lovely and moist (we think we may run a head to head “Vicky Sponge” vs “Hummingbird Milk Sponge” in the next few weeks), the filing and topping worked well, maybe they were a little on the sweet side TBH.  Slight concern with the crushed un-skinned hazelnuts on top giving a slight bitter taste…next time we’ll use blanched nuts.

hazelnut skins...our flavour nemesis...or maybe that was also extraterrestrial

So that’s the mystery of the vanishing sugar…the strands were demonstrably sharp enough to pierce human skin (splinter ouchies), the aliens saw this and decided to steal them for their nefarious human probing experiments…

the big gash wasn't the aliens, that was us

In your face Benedict Cumberbatch…in. your. face.

A perky bread pep rally

OK, all these bread trials with Gloria Bubbles has made us doubt our bread baking abilities…

So we ran up a little batch o’ buns just to remind ourselves we know how to do bread!

tight little buns

We ran around with a pair of them pretending they were jiggly boobies, shoulder shimmying at Simon…whilst making sexy noises (If speaking in a high pitched voice shouting “oooh, oooh, would you look at these lovely breasts” count as sexy noises).

A for effort, B for cup size

we should have added nipples

We feel better now…

 

Gloria’s Fruity Frolics: Experiment 1: Queen Gloria of Bubbles

Hello, you remember Gloria, right? Our new born sour-dough baby that we hatched ourselves?  We have had her in the bakery wired up and running on a tread mill for some fruit bread experiments…

Hello Boys! Like the new hair?

We have baked three fruit loaves so far and messed around with different things each time.  Sometimes we treated Gloria like a Queen and gave her everything she could want; sometimes it was a prison tickle in a cold bowl…

Experiment 1: HRH Gloria Bubbles

Gloria, Queen of...this continental sized loaf.

So, we treated her right…like a queen, queen of the yeast people.  She was well fed and watered and frothing at the mouth (that’s a good thing);  Fresh, warm with a sour yeasty smell…good for sour-dough, if she were human we’d be suggesting Canesten Combi.  Her Majesty was massaged lovingly in a classic sour-dough ratio of:

  • 1 part HRH Gloria Bubbles
  • 2 parts liquid: we bathed her in a luke warm liquid whey that had been infused overnight with Fortnum & Mason Christmas tea; a whole beaten egg and some melted butter (only the best for Lady Bubbles).
  • 3 parts strong white flour

we also provided gifts (like the wise men, as it was Christmastime) of:

  • salt (great gift)
  • cinnamon (getting better…just)
  • ground ginger (keep the receipt)
  • a bounty of raisins and sultanas (meh)
  • a generous helping of candied mixed peel (Christmas morning is fun, fun, fun at Wondercat Bakery)

This, as you may notice was an enriched bread think “festive brioche” not “vajazzled bun” (whilst we are on that subject BTW, guess what our mother bought our sisters for Christmas?? INAPPROPRIATE!!!)

Gloria performed well at cranking out the bubbles.  We played Michael Bublé to help her along…his Christmas album is totally delightful BTW (we were wailing along to it for weeeeeks…Santa Buddy put a Rolex under the treeee)!  Don’t expect crazy fast proving like you get with that fast-action-fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants yeast, it takes ages to double in size;  so long, that after we’d shaped the loaf it didn’t appear risen enough before bedtime.  The next morning SHE WAS HUGE! Spread like a whore on a Harley.  We couldn’t be bothered knocking back again so we just baked the gigantic loaf of oaf.

Loaf of Oaf! Those reindeer? Actual size.

So the bread was a bit massive …

I like big bread and I can't deny...

but it was very tasty!  The crumb was fairly open and light the Christmas tea gave a yummy flavour and fragrance…and there was a slight sour-dough tang but not overpowering.

Baby Jebus fed 5000 with a loaf of bread? Pah! We could do that, hollow the remains out and sail it down the river.

Experiment 1 was a mixed bag.  Good for flavour, passable for texture…kind of disastrous for size and shape.  But hey-ho we’re only human (well, kitty cats) and half the fun of baking stuff is learning how things work (the other half is the eating).

Back to the drawing board…

(what exactly is a drawing board? a black board? who says drawing board? *we actually just googled “drawing board” and it is a thing but we’re leaving our rando rant in to demonstrate our ignorance…this is a post on learning stuff after all)

Baking Drunk on NYE: Why do we do these things?

Sooooo…after a night of revelry and much fine food, champagnes and cocktails (then span around on the Manchester Wheel) at Harvey Nichols we were for lack of a better word, fooked…

well on our merry way

What do most people do on returning home from a night out? Probably not raid the Christmas sweets (well maybe you do, I’m not judging) then bake sour-dough bread.

I think we decided fresh bread would be AMAZING to wake up to New Year’s Day (in theory this is true).

So in the battle of “drunken stupor” vs “autonomic baking abilities” it was probably just in favour of the baking…I’m sooooooooo surprised there was anything edible in the morning.

What we did find on stumbling downstairs armed with a cracking headache, one slipper and one sock at 6am (for a much needed glass of water!) was a loaf proving in a tin!!!!

the NYE elves must have made it

Still not sure how this happened but there was the scent of sesame oil in the air so we sprinkled it with some black and white sesame seeds and baked it!

well it looks like bread...

A bit dense and doughy as I’m really not sure what was involved in the making of it or what sort of rising/proving time was involved but it tasted acceptable…actually it was rather nice!

it smells like bread...

it tastes like bread! WTF!

So it appears we can actually bake with our eyes closed (or brain closed)!

The tragic tale of Skeleton Boy and the Halloween cupcakes

Happy Halloween Everyone!

As most people appeared to have done, we celebrated Halloween over the weekend!

Lord and Lady Callister were hosting a Halloween Party so the boys got their fancy-dress on the go!

It was a night of great fun, great company, a great evening all round! But, things tragically ended in the early demise of Skeleton Boy.

Skeleton Boy...alive and kicking

The Wondercat Bakery had provided cupcakes for little monsters to chomp their fangs into…

Battery cakes

We made, chocolate sponge monsters with Amarula butter-cream fur

I think there's a hair in my cake

And, Green lemon sponge zombies with dark chocolate ganache

more simple than scary...the poor things have chocolate brains, I think it shows

So the night progressed wonderfully! Socialising, maybe a little tipple or two?

Diet Slipknot

 Under the surface, two epic battles were being played out…

The forces of good and evil were colliding, it was furry verses slimy…

This is soooo The Warriors 1979! (that's for my Dad!) Warriors! Who are the Warriors?

and, evil NHS armed with their deadly syringes of Jagermeister verses poor Skeletons Boy’s tiny, tiny liver and inability to say no to drink…

Enema?

Whilst the cake wars ended in stale mate, the battlefield littered with empty, torn cupcake wrappers…Dr Jager and Nurse Meister were totally victorious!

Skeleton Boy defeated!

The limp corpse of Skeleton Boy was carted away and interred in a bed wrapped in towels to protect the bedding from face paint…

R.I.P Skeleton Boy

 Have a great night folks! and thanks once again to Jan and Allan for being such wonderful hosts!