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Super luxe peanut butter butterfly cupcakes

Hey, we’re back! Well, by back I mean a random post…shit got busy…the boys moved house which was traumatic…stupid glass panelled doors (after the third headache I learned to stop running into them).

Head shot for my book cover *werk*

Head shot for my book cover *werk*

Anyway, I know what you’re thinking…cupcake fucking schmupcake…seen, done, ate many…I agree; but what if *switch to sultry/slutty M&S voice* “These weren’t any cupcakes, these were made with the finest ingredients and flavours from around the world”? (by that we mean the imported food isle in M&S and Harvey Nicks…we aren’t actually going to Ecudador to sniff cocoa beans (we totally should have)).

Super luxe peanut butter butterfly cupcakes (Makes 12)

Gold luster butterflies...we actually gilded the lily.

Gold luster butterflies…we actually gilded the lily.

Chocolate Sponge 

  • 145g Tate & Lyle: Fair Trade Golden Caster Sugar
  • 150ml Merchant Gourmet: Almond Oil
  • 170g McDougals: “00” Flour
  • 35g Green and Blacks: Cocoa Powder
  • 1 tsp Baking Powder (You find a luxury version. You can’t? Shut up fuck up then)
  • 1/2 tsp Cornish Sea Salt Co.: Fine Sea Salt
  • 2 Duck Eggs (All duck are tremendously luxurious) 
  • 170ml Total Greek Yoghurt: Full Fat
  • 1 Ndali: Vanilla Pod
  • A few spoons of Gold Top Jersey Milk

 

Modelling Chocolate

  • 200g Hotel Chocolat: Hacienda Iara 100% Dark
  • 100g The Tasmanian Honey Company: Leatherwood Honey

 

Peanut Butter Frosting

  • 100g Kerrigold Butter
  • 100g Koeze: Cream-Nut Crunchy Natural Peanut Butter
  • 200g Tate & Lyle: Fair Trade Icing Sugar
  •  A few spoons of Gold Top Jersey Milk

Directions…pay attention!

Modelling Chocolate

  1. Melt the chocolate
  2. Stir in the honey
  3. Wrap in cling film and whack in the fridge
  4. When cool, kneed, roll out and cut into shapes (or make into penises, literally minutes of amusement)

 

Cakies

  1. Pre-heat oven to 180ºc
  2. Mix oil with caster sugar until sugar starts to dissolve a bit
  3. Mix in vanilla pod seeds and eggs until creamy
  4. Mix in flour, salt, baking powder and cocoa
  5. Stir through the yoghurt
  6. If the mixture doesn’t fall off a spoon add a splash of milk
  7. Fill cake cases half full and push in a disk of modelling chocolate
  8. Bake for 18–20 minutes
  9. Cool on a wire rack (important! If you leave them in the tin they keep baking; the wire gives their bottoms a nice breeze)

 

Frosting

  1. Beat butters together
  2. Mix in icing sugar with a splash of milk (it stops you getting a nose full of white powder *looks innocent*)
  3. Loosen with a little more milk so it’s smooth and can be piped (any extra can go straight in the mouth).

 

Assemble

Really, if you need directions, how are you working the Internet…or breathing? But for the sake of thoroughness…

  1. Cake=Bottom Frosting=Middle Chocolate=Top …a human centipede of deliciousness
  2. Do not eat until fully assembled (maybe we ate a few too many butterflies as the cakes were cooling…don’t judge me)

Was it worth the hassle and expense of using top end shit?? Ermahgerd! Totally!

The sponge was light, moist and rich.  The frosting was deliciously nutty and not gaggingly cloying  (nutty? gagging? behave…pervert).  The modelling chocolate melted in the mouth; the combo of the fruity, nutty Iara and spicy, sweetness of the Leatherwood honey was fucking mind-blowing…the pieces in the cakes melt and become a sticky, chewy nuggets of joy.

The best review of this bake was Mykie being told by a straight man “If I were gay, I’d marry you.”

So cake awesomeness! With great power comes great responsibility…don’t blame us if you are inundated with  offers of marriage or sexy times…use these cakes wisely.

Where's my fucking cake bitch?

Where’s my fucking cake bitch?

Laters,

 

 Logo Master

 

A fumble with a crumble

Don’t worry, we’re not doing a crumble recipe fully…because seriously, who can’t make a crumble?

Crumble by Candlelight...A scent for men*. New, from House of Wondercat (*fat men)

What we are doing is sharing a few tips to get a great crumble, an interesting crumble, the sitting on the washing machine of crumbles…

Most crumbles are good if not great.  The squishy filling the buttery, sweet top, that middle section where the layers embrace each other and create the warm stodgy gloop of wonder.  So, how can we improve?  Texture, texture people! Texture, texture, texture!!!

What we want out of a crumble is all of the above, plus, an interesting nugget of something here, a crunch of joy there…something to literally get our teeth into!  Because, let’s face it, crumbles may be a comforting delight but you could gum your way through most of them (and there’ll be plenty of time for than in our twilight years sat by the window in the nursing home).

So here’s how we make our crumble a bit more stimulating…

Crumble Top Wondercat Style

  • 100g butter
  • 100g golden caster sugar
  • 200g plain flour
  • 100g rolled oats
  • 50g hazelnuts
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • seeds from a vanilla pod
  • splash of cream or milk
  • bit of brown sugar
  1. rub butter into flour until breadcrumby
  2. stir in salt, sugar, bp, vanilla seeds
  3. cut through a splash of cream just to get it sticking to inself
  4. grab dough, give it a squeeze (like honking on a boob possibly?) then plonk onto a baking tray
  5. it should be crumby in places, doughy in places, thick in bits, sandy in others

    uncooked...yet delicious...I am an uncooked dough eater

  6. bake at 170ºC until some bits are golden and crisp but others are still uncooked and stodgy

    partly cooked...yet delicious...I am a partly-cooked dough eater

  7. leave to cool (ok, eat a little bit…it’s fucking scrummy)
  8. crunch up about 2/3rds (oh a fraction, I feel so 1970’s cookbook) of the hazelnuts roughly with a rolling pin
  9. take a zip-lock bag and put in the crushed nuts, the oats and snap up the biscuit stuff and throw that in too.
  10. take out anger with rolling pin on bag of stuff…don’t go too crazy as you want, no, REQUIRE boulders and nuggets of biscuit greatness
  11. pour onto your crumble filling, if it is very stir in a bit of melted butter to get it a little sticky
  12. scatter or arrange the intact hazelnuts on top
  13. sprinkle on a bit of brown sugar

    unbaked but I would...I did

  14. bake as your recipe says
We made little individual apple, cinnamon and golden raisin crumbles and they were much improved with the crunchy extras…total om nom time.

ooooh, toasted hazelnuts...this is Simon's; there were a few less hazelnuts when he got it

The hazelnuts on top toast up perfectly so you get a few different nutty flavours and shapes and sizes as well as the biscuity rubble.  Whist adding some greatness to the top you still retain that magical dividing layer of sticky, gooey, wonderful sexycrumbletimes (I’m imagining a planet of crumble, we are talking delicious mantle I think).

So, Autumn is here, there is fruit a plenty and nipple-bitingly cold weather approaching!  Go and make crumble!

p.s. Don’t dance semi-nekkid around the kitchen with an ipod tucked into your underwear *sobs*

poor pod, squished between my arse cheek and my tighty whities then dropped to it's death

Cinnastroop Swirl Bread

Two things we heart soooo hard: Cinnamon and Stroopen Gloopen…

sticky, sweet, long and erm...yeasty

Ok, I don’t think it’s called Stroopen Gloopen. It is some sort of Belgian, jammy, delicious wonderstuff made from only apples and pears! Apples and pears! But probably like a million of them per spoon! Granny Dot introduced us to this heavenly goo a few years ago and she kindly brought us some back from Belgium last week (when the boys went to Belgium they literally filled a small suitcase with magical stroop which lasted for…oh, about a week).

loaf giving "blue steel"

What was I saying? Yes, so we have marvellous, sweet supplies and we’re still elbow deep in a bread obsession…say hello to Cinnastroop Swirl Bread!
Our plan was to bake this Friday evening then slice and toast it for breakfast on Saturday…what happened is it was baked and mostly devoured before it had even cooled…it’s called gluttony, we’re guilty and proud of it (did we just get totally meta with my 7 deadlys?).

Any who, I told Mykie to go get supplies on the way home from work and some crazy supermarket parking attendant had a big rant at him! So, maaaaaybe he didn’t get a ticket for the free hour parking, but he was there like 10 minutes…

  • Parking douche: is this your car?! *shouty shouty*
  • Poor Mykie: well, I have the keys and I’m getting inside so yup, I think it is.
  • Parking douche: don’t give my any BACK-SASS!

Back-sass?! What the hell is back-sass?! Who talks like this?! What does that even mean?! Shouldn’t it be followed by a finger snap and a side to side head jerk? We are definitely stealing “Back-sass” as the phrase du jour so thank you cranky parking man.

Focus now, back to bread…

obey the hypno-loaf

  • 350g strong bread flour
  • 300ml whey or water
  • 5g salt
  • 3g yeast (half a packet)
  • Stroopen Gloopen or something similar*
  • Sultanas
  • Cinnamon
  • nob of butter
  • bit of sugar
  1. mix whey/water and flour
  2. cover and leave for 20 minutes
  3. kneed in salt and yeast for 10 minutes
  4. cover and leave for 1 hour
  5. knock back, roll flat , roll like a carpet and roll ends to centre
  6. cover and leave for 1 hour
  7. knock back, roll flat , roll like a carpet and roll ends to centre
  8. cover and leave for 1 hour…are you loving my copy/paste instructions?
  9. mix Stroopen Gloopen with cinnamon to taste
  10. roll dough into rectangle spread with Cinnastroop mix and sprinkle with sultanas
  11. roll up like a carpet and pop into a greased and floured loaf tin
  12. cover and leave for 20 minutes
  13. pre-heat the oven to 220C with a bowl of water at the bottom
  14. melt butter with some cinnamon spread on loaf, sprinkle with sugar
  15. bake for about 30 minutes
  16. DEVOUR!

slice, eat, slice, eat, pick up loaf, eat

You probably only really need to knock back once but I always repeat and find the bread is so soft and beautiful.  Treat your bread like your shampoo-lather, rinse, REPEAT(?)…if you are pushed for time, why the hell are you making bread? (now THAT is some back-sass)

*(hello! here I am! don’t you enjoy a good game of hunt the asterisk note? No? Just me then?)
So Stroopen Gloopen isn’t easy to find if you’re not in Belgium (are you in Belgium? If you are then send me Stroop!) you can maybe use honey or golden syrup or agave nectar.  I think Holland and Barrat maybe do a kind of Stroop-stitute, hold on *runs to Google*, yes! This will do pseudo-stroop.

Stroopen you sweet European temptress


The bread is really soft and with the filling still oven warm…oh, oh, sex squirt (bread lust? sin number 3).  I do adore a butter glaze as the glistening sheen it provides is so inviting I may as well have scribbled “eat me NOW” across the loaf.  I think I needed to roll it into a shorter, thicker log as one end got smunched into the tin so the dough didn’t touch the sides *smirks*; this lead to a bit of unfurling during baking…hey ho, it’s not like I won’t be making many variations of this until Christmas!

a slightly baggy swirl...that sounds gross

A small amount was somehow reserved for a lazy Saturday morning and was toasted with butter…OMG! Delish!(major sloth time…sin number 4!)

hell yeah! butter me up!

I’m going to save you the pain of me trying to shoe-horn Wrath, Greed and Envy into the post and suggest you go and make some delicious sweet bread.

Carro-nana-nut Cakes

So, Simon munched through his healthy snacks; this combined with my love of the Flipboard App has called for a mid-week bake (I was building a motorbike engine out of gum-paste anyway so I may as well have had something going on behind the scenes in the kitchen).

So from my blog feed I ran across this recipe from Scrambled Megs for “the best carrot cake”!  The best ever you say *raises eyebrow*? Carrot cake you say *raises other eyebrow*.

I am always intrigued and slightly skeptical of superlative recipes but I thought I’d give it a read through…

The more I read the more excited I became!  This recipe has NO SUGAR! Let’s not get all pedantic about natural fruit sugars and other sweet things, let’s be happy to say there is nothing I’d stir into my Darjeeling.

The recipe also has NO BUTTER! OK, OK there is oil in there but this gives the option of picking which oil you want to use, vegetable? almond? perhaps coconut?! (ooooh, coconut)

Was this the recipe I had been waiting for; something built on a back bone of banana and carrot? Sweetened with dates and raisins? A cake I wouldn’t feel too bad about  munching through the whole thing sat on the sofa watching The Glee Project?

AND, IT IS DESCRIBED AS THE BEST?!?! (The post has since been changed and it’s now not titled “the best”)

It must be made and made right now!

As usual I made a few minor tweaks:

  • I switched the wholemeal flour for this malted stone ground because it looked lovely (I’m a sucker for a pretty package) and it was on offer (I’m a supermarket raccoon):
  • I used 1 tbsn sesame oil and 5 of ground nut.
  • I decided it would be easier for Simon to take small cakes to work than it would be to have a nine-incher poking out his Mulberry satchel…out come the cupcake cases.
First things first, they took about 20-25 minutes; You know the drill, they’re done when a skewer (erm, who has a skewer?) toothpick comes out clean.  I got 12 cupcake size and 6 big muffins…I’d halve the recipe next time (yes, half 3 eggs, you heard me).
These are not cupcake cakes!  I knew it from the start of the mixture, too thick and full of stuff.  You expect a cupcake to be light and fluffy and well risen…we are definitely in muffin country here!
The edible equivalent of the hippo in the tutu from Fantasia,  but with a drizzle of the honey/cream cheese icing (NO SUGAR! I’M SO IMPRESSED) I think they were partially salvaged.
They may not be winning any beauty pageants but sweet baby Jesus they are GOOOOOOOOD!
Not like the cranberry loaf  which was “healthy” good, these are MARVELLOUS and surprisingly quite sweet!
They are dense and moist like a proper muffin should be and they have a great spice to them.  It’s the crunch of a walnut piece combined with the slight resistance of coconut and grated carrot, accented by the occasional burst of raisin…makes me totally colon capital “d”…DIVINE! Total cake heaven!
This carrot cake isn’t the soggy brick of uniform colour and texture you find in most places; it is a cornucopia of interest…textures, flavours a total Thai full body massage for the mouth.
“Carrot Cake” sells this recipe short as there are so many flavours working together I’d rather call it…erm, Carro-nana-nut cakes (making names up, not my thing).
Let’s also not forget that THESE ARE HEALTHY! PRACTICALLY A VEGATABLE DISH!
I’m making them again very soon…I may add a handful of the cranberry mountain stored in the freezer and I’ll do a nutritional break down to check just how healthy they are.
Our feline overlord approved…

Healthy, really tasty, I’m not sure why Scrambled Megs changed the name as I would agree with the first title:  BEST CARROT CAKE!

Biscuit Combat…FIGHT!

Following on from the last post concerning the traumatic loss (then finding) of Granny Chadong’s biscuit recipe; we are getting greased up and violent…

Here’s a quick summary:

  1. Lost best recipe
  2. Found another recipe
  3. Found best recipe
  4. Fight to the death of the old champion and newcomer
Let’s start with the equivalent of the boxer weigh-in thing…were they stand in their little nundie pants on a scale while people take pictures.  I’ll replace the scale with a white plate and I can’t find little cookie Speedos so there are raisins on display NSFW!
OK, let’s ring the bell and get it on (did I say that? I’m trying to use fight talk, I don’t know fight talk.)!
Si and I will be judging so once again I’m going to be hiding from my evil mistress: Dailyburn Calorie Counter.

Granny Chadong’s

  • Taste:4.25
  • Texture:4.75
  • Overall:4.25

Treacle & Honey

  • Taste:4
  • Texture:3.5
  • Overall:3.75

The Winner!

Granny Chadong’s wins with a last second dodge of the Spinning-bird Kick and finishes off Treacle & Honey with Yoga Fire! FATALITY! (I know I’m mixing my fight game metaphors, if you’re injured by this you have many issues to work through)
Granny C’s weren’t how I remember them, they were a lot softer; maybe it was because I put them straight into a tin? maybe they needed  a few minutes longer in the oven? maybe I just forgot what they were really like.
They are still so, so good though!
I may tinker again with the recipe as T&H did have some good qualities I may try and incorporate.

In reality the real winners were Mykie and Simon who got to chow down on a plate of cookies.

Final Thought: If we ever open a strip club it is going to be called Treacle & Honey.