Tis the season for telling baby birthing stories…
Sit yourself down, grab a mince pie…actually lets start again… Get your ass to the kitchen, make some mince pies, now sit down with a pie and glass o’ port as we begin…
It was a cold, dark night when the virgin (ha!) Linda pissed on a stick.
The plastic, urine soaked rod glowed a heavenly blue as it told her “you’re going to have a baby”.
“Dave! Dave! I have been told that in 9 months we are to have a baby!”
“So November? I knew I gave you a proper good one on Valentines” proclaimed an ecstatic David.
So, later that year, Dave and Linda made the 10 minute journey across Widnes, riding on a Ford Capri.
They arrived at Highfield Hospice where the midwife told Linda she would soon be with child.
“He will be called the Baby Michael!” Announced Linda. “Michael, after some hot guy from a TV show as I’ve realised naming him Marc after Marc Bowlan may not auger well.”
But, the joyous night did not last long…
After many uncomfortable hours a midwife approached Linda to tell her “There is no room in the vagina!”.
A new light appeared in the night sky. It was the flashing of an ambulance which had come to carry Linda and the partially crowned Baby Mykie to a manager in Whiston Hospital.
Doctors bearing gifts of gas, forceps and air paid their respects to the half-born Baby and delivered him into his mothers arms via C-section.
“All hail the new Baby Michael!”
“I know he is a special baby” said Linda. “He has a pointy head and is a bit yellow!”
“That’s because he got stuck in your lady tunnel and is half Chinese” barked the slightly racist nurse.
After treatment for jaundice, Linda and David took their cone-headed prince home to Widnes.
After that delightful tale you may have gone off your pies…but if you still want a gobble, here’s our recipe for sweet short crust pastry as a variation on our previous pies.
Sweet Shortcrust Pastry
- 225g plain flour
- 60g butter, softened
- 40g vegetable fat (trex)
- 25g caster sugar
- pinch o’ salt
- 1 egg, beaten
- tsp vanilla extract
- splash of milk if needed
- Rub fats into flour
- Stir through salt and sugar
- Cut through egg, ancillary and milk (if needed) with a butter knife until mixture comes together
- Press into a smooth ball, flatten and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes
This pastry is so easy to work with and rolls nice and thinly. It has a beautiful crunch yet melts in the mouth…perfection!
Have a very merry Christmas!!! Love Wondercat!
Hello! It’s totally Christmas time!
Here at Wondercat we’ve been fabulizing the tree and decking the halls…the season has us in its tinselly grasp!
This weekend called for a bit of festive munchables, but, to be honest, we were more about the eating than the baking…time to whip up some lightening fast mincemeat and turn it into pies…so bloody scrumptious they’ll make you throw your arms wide and pull the “Farah face”!
Mo Farah Mince Pies
equal weights of:
- Dried fruits of various kinds-Plump raisins? A sour cherry perhaps? Christmas craisins? How about some candied peel? Throw caution to the wind, live on the edge, do it for Baby Jesus!
- Cooking apples-peeled and chopped into little bits…not the cores, dumbass!
quarter weight of:
- Brown sugar
- Ginger beer
- Almonds, toasted and chopped
- 2 tsp mixed spice
- 2 tsp ground cinnamon
- Brandy, or some other delightful booze
- Lemon zest
- Orange zest
So, the equation for mincemeat is as follows (food algebra, brain food):
(4x(fruit+apple)+x(sugar+beer+butter+almonds)+spice+zest+booze)-bakers scoffing privileges
Just call me (P)Einstein! *We know, we know, total cracker joke right? Speaking of cracker jokes we heard THE BEST today…ready for this??! “How does King Wenceslas’ like his pizza?” We’ll pop the answer at the bottom of the post…worth every second of scrolling, we promise you!*
Back to the mince meat…
- Just throw everything in a big ol’ pan (except the brandy and nuts) and boil away until the apples have turned mushy.
- Let it cool for a while then stir in the almonds and as much booze as you can without making it a big sloppy mess…we got a good few glugs in let me tell you! *we had also been drinking the booze so were dancing around in just our pants singing Nicky Minaj…sometimes life calls for a semi-nekkid Minaj moment*.
- Throw it into sterilised jars or as we did, a big lock ‘n’ lock tub and store it in the fridge.
- 200g plain flour
- 100g butter-cut into cubes
- couple of tbsp of lemon juice
- pinch o’ salt
- tsp vanilla extract
- Rub butter into flour and salt until breadcrumby
- Cut in lemon juice and vanilla extract with a butter knife until it starts to come together…and a bit of water if needed but not too much…if it’s a big wet mess then you have fooked it up.
- Bring it together into a ball, squish it flat, wrap in cling-film and whack in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. *We used this time to go at the mincemeat with a spoon*
- Bake at 175C for 20 minutes until the mincemeat is bubbling and the oven stink o’ Christmas.
- Sprinkle with icing sugar then enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
These pies are tiny, hardly a pie at all. They are actually closer to mini tarts but who has a mince tart? It would be like renaming the iPad mini the iPhone big. Any who, they are a perfect little morsel for a mouthful of Christmas cheer; like Mo Farah and gold medals you can have them all! *Mo probably didn’t eat his gold medals with a glass of wine watching Strictly…but maybe he did? Who knows?*
That’s right kids, go on! Eat all the pies…then bake more and eat them too!