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Secret Snatch Cakes

So baking, yeah we’ve not for a while…

But there are reasons! Good, good reasons! (well, some reasons)

Basically, the boys got totally caked out…they’d rammed in so many tarts and financiers they were actual cake boys.

So, we’ll be posting the wedding/birthday/barmitzva cakes but if you’re looking for some shitty cupcake variants it’s probably best to piss off now.

So what is this about?

Well…sometimes baked stuff is not just for shits and giggles. Sometimes it is totally NECESSARY!

Because we eat a plateful off the floor next to the kettlebells...not on the sofa watching Grey's Anatomy.

Because we eat a plateful off the floor next to the kettlebells…not on the sofa watching Grey’s Anatomy.

Mykie was competing in a kettlebell lifting competition (I know, random, rite?) with two events split hours apart.

Mykie is a fussy eater and gets totally hangry. (like The Hulk but little, less verdant, more gay, more hair product)

Feed me or this kettlebell is heading straight at your head.

Feed me or this kettlebell is heading straight at your head.

With stuff to do at a comp…like cheer, warm up, gossip…let’s not even mention the time for costume changes… (you get totally sweaty and who wants to stay marinating in their own juices?) well the point is there is no time to pop out for an egg white omelette and a Harvey Nick’s breakfast martini, is there?!
So plans people, you gotta have the plans!

The high protein, portable, sweet treat…SECRET SNATCH CAKES! 

Right, let’s be real, these aren’t going to rock your world or anything but they are so easy, a bit delicious, filling and don’t require refrigeration (anyone else chomped on a pack of warm chicken? Samonellicious!). Kettlebell lembas!

Snatch Cakes

  • 70g When Protein (we use optimum nutrition vanilla ice-cream flavour (fucking delicious))*parenthesis within parenthesis? living on the edge at Wondercat*
  • 30g Wheatgerm
  • 2 Eggs
  • 50g Peanut butter (the good shit, at least 97% peanut with no added sugar)
  • pinch o’ salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 10g flour of some description
  • Xantham gum IF REQUIRED (if you are using gluten-free flour you’ll know the deal)
  • sweetener to taste (make sure it’s one that can be baked with!)
  • splash of milk
  1. beat peanut butter and eggs
  2. stir in everything else
  3. if it’s really thick and goopy, add a bit more milk
  4. plop it into some kind of muffin/cupcake tins
  5. bake at 150ºC for between 12 and 20 minutes depending on the size of your baking, erm…holes?

    These are our small holes. I can get my face in them.

    These are our small holes. I can totally get my face in them.

That is it.  You can’t really go wrong…well you can…  We used super tiny silicone block moulds so 12 minutes was long enough…we made a batch and  baked them longer and they were so dry and claggy they sucked your face in like a raisin…so don’t over bake.

OK, who ate my shit before the pics were taken?

OK, who ate my shit before the pics were taken?



Logo Master


Gourmet protein power pancake cake with fig…num and grrr!

Getting enough protein is majorly important especially if you’re doing any sort of exercise regime…ps. I think we all are supposed to be BTW.

Getting food with protein and low carbs is easy enough; getting food that is sweet is easy enough; getting both together and you are usually talking a claggy mess that is not that nice to eat.

There are recipes for protein pancakes floating about but TBH, they just don’t do it for me…I don’t want a stack I want a big old cakey munch munch!

I tinker with this recipe often and this weekend I added some AMAZING figs I found in Waitrose…delicious, but I always think figs look like badly bruised scrota…oh, and some almonds, because I love them.

brunch or high tea of big gay champions

Protein Power Pancake Cake

  • 200g egg stuff (I use 1 whole egg and make the rest up with egg white – go Two Chicks!!)
  • 50g low fat cottage cheese (try and scoop the less runny bits from the tub and use that)
  • 12.5g coconut flour
  • 15g vanilla whey powder
  • 12.5g wheatgerm
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • Splenda to taste (I use LOADS!)
  1. smoosh everything together with a hand blender
  2. whisk until it has lightened and increased in volume (it won’t be meringuey but it’ll get a bit lighter)
  3. pour into a heated greased pan (I use a little 8 inch frying pan) and cook over medium heat (and pre-heat the grill)
  4. this is when you can throw on some fruit or nuts or other stuff
  5. when bubbles start making their way to the surface whack under the grill until golden
  6. chow down whilst feeling healthy and virtuous!

Here’s how I see the basic mixture breaking down nutritionally:

how often do you think I actually slice and eat this thing with an ounce of decorum?

Good huh? Obviously you’ll have to add up any extra goodness you throw in like fruit, nuts a bar of chocolate chips (healthy good? not so much) but it’s super delicious, doesn’t taste like health food and feels like eating a whole cake thing and how often can you do THAT and not feel like queen of the piggies?!

slice of scrotum anyone? they even have little "seeds" in them

This sort of thing makes up a large proportion of my diet as I could totally miss out savoury food and not be at all bothered…living for the sweetness, oh the sweetness, SWEETNESS! This can get a little challenging when you’re trying to eat low calorie and low carb!

a knife, folk and a napkin...because this is how you eat when you're sweaty after working out(?)

This SHOULD fill you up for AGES…but it is so nummy I have been known to trot right back to the kitchen and get all pancake deja vu…I am HRH Princess Snowterlina of Oinkerville.